Grooming children for Sexual Abuse

You're a thief-a fraud. You recently met an elderly widow with a good-sized bank account and sizable property. In sharp contrast, your own financial situation is nearing bankruptcy. You rationalize that she has enough and more and you decide to help yourself to some of her money.So you befriend the lady. You run small errands for her. You buy her gifts. You listen to her stories and you comfort her when she feels lonely. You put your arm around her and tell her you understand her problems. You spend time with her each day. You tell her she's special. You gain her trust. Her natural suspicion disappears.

Only then does the conversation shift to money. You tell her about a tremendous investment opportunity. You offer her a chance to share in this special event. If she's curious, you play on that curiosity. You answer her questions and downplay her fears.

And your work pays off. She trusts you. She signs the check.

Three minutes after her bank opens, you leave town, cash in hand and ready to target your next victim.

But what if you're a child molester-a predator? What if the object of your desire isn't the widow's bank account, but her six-year-old grandson? What steps will you take to get what you want?

Not much will change. An abuser will identify and engage his/her victim. S/he'll gain the child's trust, break down his/her defenses, and manipulate him into performing or permitting sexual acts. If necessary, the abuser will gain access to the child by employing the same techniques with the child's parent or adult caregiver.

The process is called Grooming. It allows for an abuser's increased access to his/her victim. It provides for a relationship of camouflaged abuse and decreases the likelihood of discovery.

"The establishment (and eventual betrayal) of affection and trust occupies a central role in the child molester's interactions with children....The grooming process often seems similar from offender to offender, largely because it takes little to discover that emotional seduction is the most effective way to manipulate children." (Anna C. Salter)

In the words of convicted child molesters, "Parents are so naive-they're worried about strangers and should be worried about their brother-in-law. They just don't realize how devious we can be. I used to abuse children in the same room with their parents and they couldn't see it or didn't seem to know it was happening."

"I was disabled and spent months grooming the parents, so they would tell their children to take me out and help me. No one thought that disabled people could be abusers."

"Parents are partly to blame if they don't tell their children about [sexual matters]-I used it to my advantage by teaching the child myself."

"Parents shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about things like this-it's harder to abuse or trick a child who knows what you're up to."

Grooming is a Process…

Grooming is a systematic and methodical process. It begins when the abuser chooses a target. They work at or visit places where they can have easy access to children: schools, playgrounds, parks, children's homes, community and family gatherings. Other abusers strike up relationships with parents and adult caregivers of children.

There is no proto-typical victim of child sexual abuse. Any child may be victimized. However, abusers often target children with obvious vulnerabilities. A child who feels unloved and unpopular will soak up adult attention like a sponge. Children with family problems, who spend time alone and unsupervised, who lack confidence and self-esteem, and who are isolated from their peers are all likely targets.

Abusers engage or "recruit" their victims in different ways. Many use a combination of charm and "bonding". They may offer to play games, give rides, or buy treats and gifts as tokens of friendship. They may offer drugs or alcohol to older children or teenagers. And they almost always offer a sympathetic, understanding ear. "Your parents don't understand or respect you? I do". "Other kids make fun of you?". "I know what that's like-it was the same way for me when I was your age". "They don't trust you at home? I know what that's like-your parents never really want you to grow up. But I trust you. I respect you. I care for you more than anybody else. And I love you. I'm here for you".

Successful abusers find and fill voids in a child's life.

The forging of an emotional bond through grooming leads to physical contact. Predators use the grooming process to break down a child's defenses and increase the child's acceptance of touch. The first physical contact between predator and victim is often nonsexual touching designed to identify limits: an "accidental" touch, an arm around the shoulder, a brushing of hair. Nonsexual touching desensitizes the child. It breaks down inhibitions and leads to more overt sexual touching-the predator's ultimate goal.

A predator will usually introduce secrecy at some point during the grooming process. Initially, secrecy binds the victim to the predator: "Here's some sweets. But don't tell your friends because they'll be jealous, and don't tell your mother because she won't like you eating between meals." Later on, secrecy joins hands with threats: "If you tell your mother what happened, she'll hate you. It'll upset her. Or I'll kill her. Or I'll kill you."

The best way to recognize grooming behavior is to pay attention to your child and the people in your child's life. Children require the protection of adults, usually from adults. Their intuition not yet developed with enough information and experience to keep them from harm. There are many demands placed upon our time, but nothing-nothing-is more important than the well-being of our children. When we blindly surrender responsibility for them to others without question, we invite trouble. Parents should know their child's teachers, coaches, relatives, employees, child's peers and other significant adults in their lives. Ask questions. Stay involved.

And please-talk to your children. Teach them to recognize grooming behavior. Teach them to be wary of any physical contact initiated by an adult. And teach them to trust you with their problems and their pain. The safest child is the child who knows she/he can bring his/her problems and concerns to parents and adult caregivers.

As a way of understanding and trying to come to terms with the ambivalence ( which is a key characteristic of CSA ) and to accept the sexual contact, the child rationalizes the relationship and interaction with the abuser. This entails the changing of fundamental values and perceptions by the child to suit the situation, leading to what is known as the "accommodation" syndrome, and is the basis of the shame and guilt which impacts ( usually insidiously ) the child victim/adult survivor with enormous psycho-social effects.